hi there. it's me again.

first, let's adress the elephant in the room. my website, the main part of it... it's currently inaccessible. and it's been under renovations... for a long time. the truth is, i tried to put together a three column layout, kept running into problems, had a huge mental breakdown, and then abandoned it for some time.

yeah... lame excuse, i know. i've started college full time again though, so i'm not sure when i'll be able to work on it again. for now, however, my blog will remain accessible.

now for the main topic... self care!

my college has a $10 dental clinic that has students working within. i decided to give it ago and i'm so glad i did. i went in yesterday, and i was nervous as hell. my mouth is in poor condition, so i was afraid they would turn me away. but they didnt! they did every examination under the sun on me, told me what's up and give me a special oral rinse for my gums.

it turns out i have gum disease, and i need 4 teeth pulled, including a wisdom tooth that was left behind during a surgery i had in 2015. not fun, but im hardly fazed because i knew this was coming. i'll also need to come back a couple times for cleanings, but those will be free. woohoo!

anyways, this whole ordeal has been making me think about the way i treat myself. its... not very good. i take my meds, drink water and such but, i still talk about myself negatively and think about myself lowly. my girlfriend has tried to redirect my thinking and my partner has expressed pain from hearing me talk so lowly about myself, but i honestly havent tried very hard to correct it.

i'm... going to try harder. yesterday and today ive tried to talk about myself nicely, all while taking my meds and drinking water and brushing my teeth and using that nasty ass rinse and going to class and... you get it. it's really hard.

it's not familiar or easy at all. i don't feel like i deserve it, either. and i'm not known to fake things, especially until i make it.

i'm not sure what to do, to be honest.

...but i'll figure it out. i know i will. i've figured out so much already. i guess you could say i am somewhat smart (im trying here).

i guess the next thing i can do is get on ADHD meds. but, having untreated ADHD... i've forgotten to do that. sometimes i wish i didn't rely on being so independent. i hate bothering others, though. they're busy too.

im doing a lot of writing this semester. i can only hope my writing improves by May. we'll see.

i can't seem to find an english translation on this song. i really like it. let me know if there's a translation out there.